Theory and Family Systems

What is theory and how in the world does it relate to family systems? We, as human beings, are constantly making theories. Imagine being in a situation where you are in the middle of a conversation with someone and they let a deep breathe out. You start to create reasons as to why they did that. "He is annoyed with what I just said", "He is bored with this conversation", or maybe "I said something triggering to him". Those are all theories. But how do theories play a role in Family Systems? There are four theories that play a major role in relationships and family dynamic.

The Systems Theory, this theory is an attempt to explain how the system works as a whole. It is not looking at the family as a group of individuals but instead as the system that those individuals work together to create. In a family of three or more individuals subsystems may arise. Family subsystems may include the parents, a parent and a child, the children, and there are many more variations. I have seen this theory in action a lot in my household so I will share a few examples. The first example is of subsystems, I am a mommy's girl therefore my mom and I create a subsystem. This doesn't mean that I can't have a relationship with my dad because I love my dad, I just happen to have a stronger connection with my mom. With the system, my family consists of my mom and dad, me (the oldest sibling), three younger brothers, and a younger sister. We are a busy family with a swimmer, tennis player, a couple track runners, a drama kid, some soccer players, etc. During these different seasons in our family you can see a shift in dynamic. The whole family has to make some changes to make our system function comfortably. This can mean I take a bigger role at home so my parents can be out supporting my siblings. 

The next theory is the Exchange Theory. Have you ever been in a friendship or relationship where you felt like you were putting a lot more energy into the relationship then what you were getting in return? This theory attempts to explain how a person weighs the pros and cons that help them decide to start or continue a relationship. All through High School I had friends that really frustrated me, I felt like they expected me to do things for them that they weren't willing to do for me. It was a really confusing time for me, I had to decide who my real friends were and as time passed it became more apparent.

The third theory is the Symbolic Interaction Theory. Have you ever said "I will never do _(fill in the blank)_" but then ending up doing it anyway because of the interaction and experiences you had? I used to have a list, as most girls do, that stated things I didn't want in a guy and what I did. On this list I said that I would never marry anyone planning on going into the military. I grew up moving around a lot because of the military and wasn't a fan of the lifestyle. Even this was on my "NEVER EVER LIST" I have found myself fairly interesting in someone who's life goals include military service.

The last theory is the Conflict Theory. Gender and social class are two categories that seem to be talked about a lot when discussing this theory. With the differences between men and women or rich and poor, it can be easy to see places of power and want to hold onto it. Sometimes, when you feel like you have no power you feel like you are being suppressed or controlled. The fear of losing power or the panic that comes with feeling like you have no power are both things that could stir up conflict in a relationship. We usually see this as a teenager retaliates or argues because they feel a lack of freedom or power.

Theory is something we use everyday and it is something that subconsciously controls or at least has a great effect on our relationships. How have you seen these theories (or others) work in your families or relationships? I would love to hear how you observe and consciously notice when you make theories about your relationships or the world around you.