Effective Communication

This week in class we talked about effective communication in a relationship. This is something that I was super excited to learn about because I know that it is something that I need to be better at. I know that I am not an effective communicator because I hate confrontation. I chose not to communicate at all if I feel like there is a possibility that it could turn into confrontation. It has always been something that I struggled with, but we learned some good ways to be an effective communication through confrontation. The following steps come from a book by one of the apostles of the church.

The first step is called the disarming technique. In order for this step to productive you have to take out your defensiveness. This is something that is really hard for me, I like to be able to defend myself, but I can also see the benefits. When you get rid of your defensiveness the other person doesn’t feel like they have to fight back. Another big part of this step is finding “kernels of truth”. Find those things in their statements that could be pieces of truth. For example, maybe your roommate comes after you, calling you a slob. What are the kernels of truth? Maybe you could say something like “I am so sorry; you are right I left a lot of my stuff out on the counter last night. I will clean it up.” This disarms the other person because it takes away their ability to justifiably fight back.

The second step is to express empathy. This is actually something that everyone who is baptized in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints covenants to do. We promise to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort. Listen and try to understand their thoughts and feelings. After you acknowledge their feelings this would also be a good time to maybe express your feelings. Here is a nice format you can use “When ____________, I feel __________, (then provide an idea for a solution)”.

The third step is inquiry. This is similar to something we do in the college success program at my school called state and restate. After you are done listening to something that the other person has to say restate what you understood from what they said. Then you could say something like “Did I get that right? I want to hear more.” This makes them feel heard and valued.

The fourth step is expressing admiration and appreciation. Maybe you could share how much you appreciated them sharing their thoughts and feelings with you. This is also an important step for your marriage counsels.My teacher told us about how he and his wife set up their marriage counsels, he said that they always started out with telling each other what they loved and appreciated about the other person. This was an important step in creating a good environment for open discussion. You are more likely to say what is really bothering or giving ideas if you feel loved and appreciated in that environment. It is also super important to include the Lord in all of your decisions.

I know effective communication and confrontation are two things that a lot of people have problems with. I hope that these steps can provide a little bit of peace the next time you have to have a hard conversation. Just remember to be respectful and empathetic for what the other person is feeling. Also figure out a good way to effectively and consistently meet and communicate with your significant other and create those healthy habits.